Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab

Like many, I’ve struggled with boundary issues, and I’ve been actively seeking resources to improve my ability to recognize and assert my boundaries. Working in a demanding industry, I understand that neglecting my boundaries could lead to burnout. I also want to set healthy boundaries with my children since I want to model assertive and respectful communication for them. During my boundary-growth journey, I discovered Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, and I can confidently say it sets the gold standard. Tawwab’s audiobook narration conveys her direct and assertive approach to boundary setting, which I find both admirable and slightly intimidating.

Tawwab emphasizes that boundaries are essential for long-term mental and emotional well-being. I read an analogy that compares boundaries to our homes: we wouldn’t allow uninvited guests to wander through our homes, so we should extend the same level of protection to our personal boundaries. Tawwab categorizes boundaries into physical, emotional, time, work, material, and sexual. My primary struggle has been with emotional boundaries. In the past, I avoided conflict by dismissing my own feelings or conceding to others’ viewpoints. I rationalized this as the quickest way to end uncomfortable conversations, but I now realize I was avoiding dealing with my own and the other persons’ emotions. I also wasn’t actively listening or acknowledging their feelings. This led to me not honoring my own or other people’s boundaries.

Through this book, I learned to focus on setting emotional and time boundaries, which I now recognize are closely intertwined. I would often violate my time boundaries by anticipating the emotional reactions of loved ones, which was, in itself, an emotional boundary violation. This resulted in a situation where my partner felt I was not being true to myself, and that I was placing her, in her words, on a pedestal. While I disagree with that interpretation, I understand how she could arrive at that conclusion. Since reading this book and engaging in journaling and introspection, my relationships have become healthier and more rewarding. I believe my family and friends would agree. Tawwab has also provided me with a new perspective on parenting, emphasizing the importance of helping my children develop a strong sense of their own boundaries, especially when it comes to their parents.

Tawwab provides practical steps for establishing healthy boundaries: being clear and direct, using “I” statements, remaining firm and respectful, and being consistent. I’ve incorporated these principles into my daily life. It’s essential to acknowledge the guilt and proceed with asserting your boundaries. While I don’t typically experience guilt in these situations, I understand it’s a common reaction when trying to assert yourself.

Recognizing the need for boundaries is key. Constant exhaustion, resentment, or overwhelm are indicators of weak boundaries. Start small, be clear and assertive, and anticipate pushback, as people may resist change.

Another key tip I’m implementing is setting consequences for boundary violations. Enforcing these consequences is crucial for maintaining boundaries. Someone once said to me, “People will treat you as badly as you let them,” and while I don’t believe that’s universally true, it does apply to some individuals.

If you’re seeking to gain more control over your life and establish respectful interactions with others, I highly recommend this book. What are your biggest boundary challenges? What tips do you have for setting boundaries with difficult people, or do you have a story of a time you set a boundary that you are proud of? Share your thoughts in the comments below!