The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More by Jefferson Fisher

I picked up The Next Conversation: Argue Less and Talk More by Jefferson Fisher because I’m on a constant quest to improve how I navigate difficult conversations. I feel like I’ve experienced the full spectrum, from being overly timid and accommodating to feeling the need to “win” at all costs. That fight-or-flight response kicks in, and my brain often goes completely blank. In “fight” mode, my face probably turns a delightful shade of red in frustration as I fumble for the right words, often teetering and sometimes crossing the line into saying things I instantly regret. In “flight” mode, I’m more likely to lie or obfuscate, feeling a primal need to escape the perceived danger. Now, rest assured, I’ve made significant progress over the years, but I see these reactions as my baseline, the point at which I need to move the needle into better behavior. And in my experience, the most effective way to grow is by embracing, not avoiding, those difficult conversations – and having a lot of them.

I discovered Jefferson Fisher through his appearances on The School of Greatness and The Mel Robbins Podcast. His calm demeanor and seemingly simple yet profound wisdom immediately compelled me to get his book. I would argue that the central message of The Next Conversation is this powerful shift in perspective: when arguing, “The goal is not to win — the goal is to connect.” Fisher then lays out 9 principles to guide us toward arguing less and talking more:

• Conversations Are Not Competitions
• Master the Power of the Pause
• Curiosity Over Judgment
• Emotional Safety Is Non-Negotiable
• Lead Yourself First
• Validate Without Agreeing
• Prepare for the Next Conversation
• Know When to Walk Away
• Your Words Build (or Break) Trust

For me, the first principle, “Conversations Are Not Competitions,” feels like a game-changer. Understanding that the goal isn’t to “win” frees you from that adversarial mindset and shifts your focus to connection and truly hearing the other person. I’ve been in those heated moments, convinced I’m right and believing that if I could just “win,” the other person would finally see the light. Emotionally, nothing would have been more satisfying in that moment than proving my point. But that’s a no-win scenario. The other person is likely in the same emotional state as me, perhaps even more heightened, feeling like there’s something significant at stake. In those situations, I’ve often managed to calm myself down and even realize the argument is trivial, leading me to simply concede and wholeheartedly agree with the other person. They feel “heard” and validated, their sense of reality affirmed. They’re no longer feeling threatened. So, having this principle clearly articulated feels like a significant step in the right direction, where true “winning” comes from connection, not being right.

The “Power of the Pause” and “Curiosity Over Judgment” are skills I’m actively working on. I have a tendency to come across as naturally intimidating, which is ironic because internally, I’m usually in a good mood and just trying to have a good time. I am very laid back person. But if I pause during a conversation, I’ve had people jump to the conclusion that I’m furious. People, that’s just my thinking face! Give me a beat to process what you’ve said. I’m consciously trying to align my expressions with my internal state so my pauses don’t feel threatening. Cultivating curiosity is also a challenge. I need to resist the urge to dismiss others’ concerns as “stupid” or the argument as “dumb.” What’s important to them is important, and I need to foster genuine curiosity about their perspective rather than just dismissing it. Both of these principles, for me, fall under “Lead Yourself First”—controlling how I show up. Mastering that skill should undoubtedly lead to better conversations.

“Emotional Safety Is Non-Negotiable” is a straightforward principle that deeply resonates with me. Creating an emotionally safe space for my family, where they feel they can come to me with anything, is a top priority, even when I’m tired or grumpy.

I aspire to be better at “Validate Without Agreeing.” My current default when de-escalating an argument is often to just agree with the other person’s viewpoint. While it achieves the immediate goal of calming things down, it often feels disingenuous. I suspect that if I were more skilled at having constructive conversations from the outset, rather than letting them escalate, validating without agreeing would come more naturally. It all circles back to that initial urge to “win” – the other person feels they have to win because they perceive so much at stake.

The final lesson I need to fully incorporate is “Prepare for the Next Conversation.” Fisher’s strategies for delaying conversations are something I want to use daily. I often find myself blindsided by conversations where the other person has clearly been mentally rehearsing for some time and approaches me with the assumption that I’ve been part of that internal dialogue. I get hit with seemingly out-of-nowhere questions that require a complete context switch. My brain scrambles to catch up, trying to answer internal questions like, “Where did this come from?”, “What are they really asking?”, and “What kind of response do they want?”. I probably end up with a dumbfounded look, which, ironically, is probably more intimidating than I realize, followed by a frozen pause. This often frustrates the other person because I’m not responding quickly enough. This lesson gave me permission to delay the conversation, allowing me the time to truly context-switch and provide thoughtful, not half-hearted, answers.I wholeheartedly recommend this book to anyone looking to transform potential arguments into productive conversations. The Next Conversation offers practical, easily understandable advice. While individual implementation will vary, if you, like me, often find yourself in arguments over seemingly trivial matters, this book is definitely for you! What are your biggest challenges in difficult conversations? What strategies have you found effective in de-escalating conflict? Share your experiences in the comments below!